I Havnt Talked About Charlie For A Really Long While. So Pull Up A Chair And Stay Awhile

Ive been avoiding Charlie as of late. Or the topic of eating disorders in general. Charlie is my eating disorder. And whether I want him to or not, he tends to follow me like a shadow.
My poison is anorexia. Ive had troubles with eating since I was about eight. And within the past year or so Ive developed a very mild case of bulimia. And last night I had a binge. And then a purge. And then, the sun rose this morning and I rose with it.

The funny thing about an eating disorder is that there is no cookie cutter answer to explain why or what effects you. Its different for every individual. The thing with binges though, is that the brain loses complete control and then suddenly you are eating.

I got home from work last night and at that point I hadnt eaten for ten hours. And then suddenly there was food, and I was eating it. The binge didnt last long. Five minutes or so. But I was ashamed. I couldnt believe that I had broken my eating rule. ( Eating rule # 1: Dont eat )

But this morning when I woke up I showered and curled my hair. I went to all of my classes. ( even the one that I refuse to like at this point. havnt i complained about that class before!? ) I smiled and laughed, even when a couple times I wanted to cry. I showed up to work early. I felt renewed with a sence of self worth and self driven encouragement to be better.

For me, a purge is like getting rid of everything ugly in my life and replacing it with the new and beautiful. All day I made plans in my head about how I would do my hair tomorrow so it didnt look so last season ( or hey, lets face it - ugly. cause bad hair days really do happen ) Or what I would buy so that my outfits didnt look like I hauled them from a funeral home. Better grades. Stay up later studying. Wake up earlier to spend more time on my hair.

And Ive been through this renewal phase so many times that I know how the ending goes: I do what I do to be better. And in the end, it isnt ever better. But thats what eating disorders are I suppose - never ending cycles.