Meaning

I started doing this funny thing.....

I started going to choir at my Singles Ward. They meet forty minutes before church starts every Sunday. And  with a little encouragement, I've stuck it out for two whole weeks.

There's something funny about singing in a choir. Really, there's something funny about doing any sort of performance-type thing. Something that has to do with the need to stand in front of a crowd and perform at your best. I remember, I tried out for Jazz Choir when I was a Sophmore in high school. I remember try outs, I remember waiting for the list taped to the door of the choir room announcing who made the choir and who didn't. I remember the day that I found out that I had made the cut, and would be spending my mornings during "zero period" singing. I remember that glorious glorious feeling. That feeling that told me that I had done something right during an audition and that I was going to excel at Jazz Choir. I loved every moment of that Jazz Choir - even the moments when I hated it and I wanted to quit, I still loved every aching moment.

After Charlie set in, I stopped singing. I stopped doing everything that I loved. I stopped playing the piano, singing, dancing, biking, writing.... the list could go on for such a long time. Charlie was like a vacuum, and over the years he managed to suck everything good out of me. I stopped singing in choir. I gave music a fond farewell. I told myself that I was done with performing.

Slowly, that wish has unfolded itself against me, and I've started doing things I love again. Performing included. But today, during choir practice, my choir director said "think about what you are singing. think about what the meaning behind the words are". And suddenly, a light bulb turned on in my head. Meaning. That thing... just meaning. The meaning behind the words. The meaning why I was willing to stand in front of an audience and sing.

And I've decided.. that I want to give my life, more meaning. Have a reason and a purpose for the things that I do. A silly thought yes, but a thought none the less. A thought that says that I want to love my life and I want to find meaning, even in the littlest things that I do.